Confessions of a real (bad) mother

I was reading some pregnancy things online and came across a few comments/questions of first time moms-to-be. It caused me to reflect on the things I've learned since I became a mom over five years ago.

There are things I thought I knew...and then found out I really didn't know anything.

There are certain aspects of parenting I expected to be hard, but they weren't.

There are also things I never saw coming...and I'm still reeling from the shock.

There are a whole list of things I thought the "lazy" and "irresponsible" moms did...and I've done a lot of them (which either means my assessment of them was a little off...or I'm "lazy" and/or "irresponsible.").

And so, in an attempt to avoid coming across as phony to anyone, I have developed my list of confessions:

1. I use the TV as a babysitter...to take a shower without interruption, to make a meal in peace, or to regain my sanity. Whatever the reason, it usually works well and I'll continue to use it.

2. As a mom of two little boys, their hands are most often found up their nose or down their pants...and I don't make them wash their hands everytime I catch them or we might as well move into a bathroom permanently. No need to worry; they rarely prepare food around here.

3. There are times I haven't fed my kids a vegetable...for days at a time.

4. I don't ache for my kids when I'm away from them. I miss them, but definitely do NOT physically hurt from being away from them. Uninterrupted time and conversation with my husband and girlfriends are rare occurrances and I enjoy my time away from my kids...and am completely without guilt. To be honest, I think it's healthy for me. I was way too obsessed about ever being away from Logan for the first nine months of his life. I thought a "good mom" always desired to be with her kids. Having a date with my husband makes ME happier, makes US happier and therefore, provides a better home for our kids.

5. There are moments...many moments...that I count the minutes until bedtime. Not to be rid of my kids, but just to have time alone. For me, some days are less about teaching life lessons and more about surviving to a new day (or allowing them to). Despite this, I still don't miss working at a "real job."

6. There are things I thought I'd never say as a mom, such as "Because I'm the mom...don't ask me "why?"" and "Carter, get your tongue out of your nose" (yup - it's long enough; we've got pictures for proof).

7. I don't like to play; that's what Dad is for. I'll read, color, make crafts, nurse a baby all night, change diapers, do laundry, play games, give haircuts and sing to them...but I don't like to play.

8. Before I had kids and when my babies were actual babies, I was much more judgmental of other parents. I frequently would observe other children and think "My kid will NOT do that" and "If the parents would just..." Well, guess what? Babies are very sweet until about a year and a half and then they flip a switch. I have no idea what the "terrible twos" are; the ages of three and four were my challenge both times around. I've also learned that even when you do everything right, kids misbehave because they're kids. Otherwise, they wouldn't need us so long. Now, when I see a kid pitching a fit in a store, I see the parents with empathy (and sometimes pity) cuz I've been there, done that. Kids have bad days and so do parents.

9. There are times when I have yelled at my kids...undeservingly...and repeatedly...in the same day.

10. I love to get advice from other moms, rather that asssuming I've got all the answers (quite the change from when Logan was first born and my "I'll do it myself" attitude). Sometimes one mom can take 10 seconds to mention how they dealt with something and it'll be the one thing that works with my kid too. I am no longer too proud to seek advice from someone who's already survived this stage with kids and might have some valuable insight,whether I agree with their parenting style or not.

11. I love to hear when other mothers tell about the things they struggle with...especially when they're the same as mine. I don't think for one minute that any mom has it all together at all times. Motherhood is extremely rewarding, but also monotonous at times. Not every diaper change is "cute" and not every middle-of-the-night feeding is "precious." Sometimes the daily battles wear a person down and I don't think pretending otherwise is genuine.

12. I wish I could pee alone. Just once.

13. The adjustment from one baby to two was much more difficult than adjusting to the first baby, for me anyway. The thought of being outnumbered after we have this baby scares me. Really.

14. I used to think I was tough. I'm definitely not. I've cried from being deleriously tired. I have felt completely defeated by the two little people living in this house. My heart has broken over having to discipline my kids. I have depended on my kids using a swing...and a pacifier. I definitely would not have survived the 3-month trip across country in a covered wagon without the portable DVD player.

15. I'm a biased mother. I'll admit your kid is cute and funny, but not as cute and funny as mine (sorry).

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16. I do not try to build my kids' self-esteem. My greatest ambition is to build my children's relationship with God and to encourage their self-worth. I would rather my children learn the consequences for poor choices while the price is small (i.e. losing a toy for a day, missing a birthday party) than to build their self-esteem and avoid the teaching them responsibility and have them learn the lesson later in life when the price is much higher. And although it might hurt my feelings to follow through sometimes, I want my kids to learn there are consequences for their actions. I don't want them to go through life thinking Mommy and Daddy will rescue them everytime something bad happens. They won't get to keep their job because their boss wants them to "feel better" and they will lose friends if they act like a jerk, even if it hurts their feelings. I think they need to learn that life isn't fair...because it isn't. (Hold on...I think Social Services is at the door...)

17. My greatest struggle with being a mom is my selfishness. I love being alone...and it'll be another 20 years before I get that need fulfilled on a regular basis.

18. I taught my first child to swear. Logan was less than two, Carter a tiny baby. Both were sick and had been up most of the night. Ryan was just getting Logan to settle down on the couch and Carter had just fallen asleep. I crawled into bed when I heard the dog puking. I walked into the kitchen and said "Aspen, where did you (step in puke here)..." "DAMMIT, dog!" Logan popped up on the couch and began singing "Dammit, dog. Dammit, dog." And although I could see Ryan's shoulders shaking from laughter, he was wise to stifle it so it wasn't audible.

I said nothing to Logan, but simply replaced "dammit" with "silly" the next day each time he started to repeat it. I don't think I've sworn since.

19. I love that my boys are now old enough to be a little self-sufficient. They can wake up, go get their own cheerios, grapes and a water cup and play together while I lay in bed for an hour (sometimes longer). THEN, I get up and act like a mother and make them a real breakfast and start the day. My kids don't starve and I get to sleep in until 6:30 (maybe even 7:00). Maybe that makes me neglectful, but the three of us have happy mornings, so I'm gonna stick with this plan a little longer.

20. I need my husband. I depend on him. I could NOT do this alone.

Out digging for clams. Carter collected rocks. Logan scouted for the "dimples." I supervised. I'm not one for glamour, but I hate getting dirty.

Carter cherishing his "favorite rocks" for the day.

Taking care of business in the great outdoors (right after nap, hence the pull-up still on). Oh, to be a boy.

Carter trying to run by the sprinkler without getting wet.

Logan thinking he can "duck" to avoid the water.

Logan sporting his drenched t-shirt for his sprinkler efforts.

And yet another change of clothes needed for the day...